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Hiya, I'm Horace McDermott, the Agony Uncle to the Community Development Sector. I'm with Ballybog CDP for three years now and can give expert advice on any problem you have relating to community development. Or same-sex issues, the recession, social inexclusion, you name it! E-mail me now: Horace@changingireland.ie
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| Same Sex Rights Dear Horace, Why do same sex couples want their situation recognised and regularised? I’ve been having same sex with my wife for the past 30 years – same face, same place, same time, every time. Anything different wouldn’t feel right at this stage though it would be nice if it was more often. Sincerely, Con Tented, Innarutt CDP, Co. Tipperary Dear Con, I think you’ve misunderstood, same sex couples doesn’t refer to the monotony of monogamy, it’s about making Ireland more homogenous, that’s where you have sex with someone who’s the same as yourself, you know white and Catholic. Horace |
Development
Theory in Practice  |
The world is turned upside down! Dear Horace, The world is all confused and upside down! All the great capitalist countries are doing everything opposite. They are privatising health services and water supplies while nationalising the banks. Please explain what’s happening. Sincerely, Sosha Lizt, Left Bank Arts Project Horace helps! Sosha Well if you put the state and it’s bureaucracy in charge of a banking crisis the whole thing slows down into an orderly queue or waiting list thus preventing any volatile run on the bank. Hard to run when your standing in a long line. - Horace Renditions have always been popular In a Riddle Is Housing Estate Enhancement worth it? Help me Horace! What is ‘Housing Estate Enhancement’? Is it expensive? We’re trying to write the job spec for new members? The ideal candidates must have no previous experience, and have shown no prior interest in community initiatives. Is this right? - Auntie Jargon Bewildered Terrace Dear Auntie, You’ve heard of plastic surgery and bust enhancement. Well, estate enhancement is a bit like that – at the end of it, your estate should come out looking better, though not necessarily bigger. ‘Changing Ireland’: Can you change it a bit faster? Dear Horace, ‘Changing Ireland’, is that right? Well, I’m here to complain that you are not changing it fast enough. For starters, I would like you to change my house, my car and my job. And I’m thinking about a new husband too. I would also like to win the lottery (the Euro Millions, forget that local lark) and to buy a James Bond-style speedboat. If there’s more you could do for me, I would like another development worker for our project and a new administrator (I will be resigning after the lottery win). Let me know when I’ve to pack up my belongings, Yours sincerely, Demanding Dorothy, Administrator, Mad CDP My darling Dorothy, Appalling Vista Dear Horace, My administrator keeps nagging me about updating our computers. Fair enough, they’re a bit old – one runs on coal – but I find it hard to keep up with developments. The latest thing is called Vista. I don’t know my Windows from my door panels and the only Mac I trust is my raincoat. I looked up Vista in the dictionary – it didn’t inspire me with confidence, more likely it’s something I’ll stare at for hours. I spent ages last year on courses trying to figure out the current system and I fear I’ll spend most of 2007 grappling with the new one. Should I go back to ‘Post-It’ notes and the abacus? Terry Fayed, Luddite CDP Horace helps! Terry You really don’t know much. Even I know Windows has nothing to do with doors, it’s got more to do with Gates. I recommend you do a car maintenance course, so you’ll have some idea what to do when your computer crashes. And, if you get lost poking around under the bonnet, the search engine will always find you. - Horace Horses in my garden Dear Horace, There are four horses in my garden, I rang the Gardai about it but they said it was a matter for the local authority. But the council said it was nothing to do with them. What can I do? Sad El Horace replies, No doubt about Suir CDP Help Me Horace! I’ve heard word there’s a bit of a split in Le Cheile CDP? Could this be true? Rume R. Monger, Ceart Go Leor CDP Dear Rume, Of course not! Other rumours I want to quash now are that: Harmony CDP are having ‘The Clash’ for their Christmas party. There is some doubt about Suir CDP. That due to vandalism Open Door CDP is changing to Closed Steel Shutter CDP. None of these are true. Horace In a Riddle In a Riddle Status Quo Quandry My Dear Horace, My favourite band of all time is ‘Status Quo’, but I am also a big fan of ‘Changing Ireland’ and feel something isn’t right. Yours truly, Con Tradiction, Fighting for Peace CDP Dear Con, Yes, I think you’ll have to change your musical tastes. My favourite band is ‘Something Happens’ because in this work I’m not always sure what’s going on, but I know something’s happening. Keep fighting! Horace Will I bring a JCB? Help Me Horace! I see there is a Joyriding Conference being held in the Hilton Hotel in Dublin soon. This is great. It’s about time we all came together. I find those new BMWs a right bugger to get into. Is there anything special I need to do to gain admission, or are my hospital reports and Garda score-sheet good enough? By the way, my best mate makes out it’s actually a conference to stop joyriding. He hasn’t a clue, huh! I’m thinking of arriving in a JCB just for kicks. I’d normally burn it out but I guess there will be serious competition afterwards for transport home, yeah? An bhfuil dhaoine eile bheith caint as Gaeilge? Eamon ‘Go Tapaidh’ Carr, Le Cheile Joyriding Club, All over the Capitol, Ireland Hi Eamon, Joyriding Conference. You sure it aint one of those partner-swopping events? Don’t bother with the JCB. Hop on Dublin Bus – for €1.10 they guarantee you’ll be high if you go up on the top deck. Sin é! Horace I feel unread Dear Horace, There’s a man on my road and he reads the telephone directory (he says you can’t beat it for the number of characters in the story, though the plot sucks) but he still won’t read our CDP annual report. Well, in desperation, this year I stapled our annual report to my head in the hope that the doctor would read it while removing it. He was rather busy however. Do you think the newcomers in the Department might read it? Annie Reading, Co-ordinator ‘We Never Fail’ CDP, Hilloffeckinnettles, Mid-South-East Region West Dear Annie, Thank you for your recent correspondence. I have passed it onto the appropriate person who will take note of its contents. If I can be of any further assistance in the future please don’t hesitate to contact me. Yawn! Yours sincerely Horace Bored Games Help me Horace! My name is Minister O’Peeved. I am bored. I have nearly put all my toys into one box, so things are nice and tidy and easy to find. My problem is I may have damaged some of them trying to squeeze everything into the one box. My "See The Pea" puzzle game has nearly 200 pieces could I join up some or get rid of a few to make it easier even if the bigger picture would be lost? M. N. O’Peeved Horace Helps Dear M. N., As they say "Toys will be toys" but maybe you should watch the film ‘Toy Story' because you would learn to be kind to your toys - they may bite back. Should I stay or should I go? Help me Horace! I am chairperson of my CDP and I am very confused by the new directives from the Department of CRAGGY. It seems we have to get rid of everyone on the management committee and replace them. Basically if we have any volunteer there for six years or more they have to go. We’re trying to write the job spec for new members? The ideal candidates must have no previous experience, and have shown no prior interest in community initiatives. Is this right? Chairio! Dear Chairio, No previous experience - why not get Ray D’Arcy down to do auditions? Your recruitment drive could become a hit tv series and give the Community Development Programme a major boost. You could have a parallel series following the statutory personnel who are put on the committees called "I’m a Civil Servant Get Me Out of Here!". Horace and Dec Silver lining Dear Horace, Could be the bird flew Dear Horace, One of our staff has become a bit overwhelmed by recent health scares. Last week, he announced that he was giving up meat, tap water, and wants regular updates on the local air quality. All the staff here are encouraged to study the Health and Safety policy, but he’s using a laminated copy of it to waft away ‘negative energy’. Most recently he became alarmed that there are fewer birds around the place. He now insists that he won’t come into the office until I wash the whole place down with dettol and wire brushes and find out why the pigeons aren’t on the roof anymore. What can I do?. - Fran Tickman, Witsend CDP Dear Fran, There is many the hypochondriac buried in the graveyard so don’t dismiss his fears lightly. A foot and mouth type foot-bath at the door may ease his concerns about coming into the office. As for the last pigeon gone from the roof, it sounds like a case of the bird flew! Horace Abbreviated Dear Horace A VIP plans to visit the CDP but we’re told we can’t go OTT because they want it kept on the QT. It could be the VP of the USA or the UK’s PM which would mean the CIA, FBI or the SAS and MI5 in our HQ. I know it’s not PC but I can’t put up with these SOBs so I’m going to RSVP to the DCRGA that they can F.O. Can I do that? I need advice ASAP. Yours truly, PJ O’Dea KCC CDP Dear PJ I can't handle it Dear Horace, My Administrator keeps parking her bicycle in my space. If we put both bikes together then visitors get poked in the ribs by handlebars. Should I puncture her tyres? Yours, Bike Blues Dear BB, Have you spoke to her about it as obviously you feel you’ve been saddled with a big problem. Tyre puncturing will not solve it. Sawn off handle bars would seem more appropriate and could start a new craze. You could get cross and bar her bike or you could apply for a refurbishment grant to make space but that could start a whole chain of events you might regret. Horace Held for questioning Help me Horace! Working in the Community Development Programme is tough enough but over the last number of months I’ve been inundated with questionnaires from the Support Agency, the SIM Group and CDB, Government Departments, consultative bodies, college researchers and every organisation compiling a data base of services. Who do they think they are, Larry Gogan? I feel like someone detained for questioning. What can I do? Sincerely Con Sulted of Swing CDP Con, You have three options: 1. Ignore the questionnaires and don’t return them. 2. If a prepaid envelope is provided send it back empty and tell them later you did send it back and don’t have time to do it out again. 3. Get a student on placement to devise a questionnaire asking them why they want this information and promising to fill out theirs if they fill out yours first. Now please circle the option that most suits you and return to Horace McDermot, c/o ‘Changing Ireland’: Please give reasons for your choice. How did you find this advice? Rate as follows: • Helpful • Very helpful • Extremely helpful • Couldn’t be more helpful Tick Target Group: • Archer • Gun Club • Darts Club • Other (Give details). - Horace I’m worried about poverty Dear Horace, When will poverty in Ireland be a thing of the past? I thought we were getting there, but apparently not. I’m nervous we might make a sudden breakthrough, because once the poverty is done away with, I’m out of a job. What’s the story? Bothered Bob Dear Bob, Some things are very hard to get rid of like Twink or Gay Byrne. They keep popping back up just when you think you’ve seen the last of them. Poverty is a bit the same. It’s always there and when you try to have a real go to eradicate it and consign it to history all you get is an upsurge in wrinkly rocker record sales like Pink Floyd. Anyway look at it this way. If you did away with poverty and you lost your job then you’d be poor. Then somebody would be given the job of fighting poverty and soon you’d be out of poverty and then they’d lose their job and … well you can see you have nothing to worry about either way. Horace My staff have eloped Help me Horace! I am the CDP Chairperson here in Ballydontsaywhere. My problem is that our Administrator has run away with our Co-ordinator. That wasn’t so bad but the cheque-book is also missing. I am too embarrassed to tell anyone. What can I do? Worried Wilma Dear Wilma, There is no need to be embarrassed about telling anyone? Now that it’s published in ‘Changing Ireland’ everyone will know. As for the cheque-book, don’t worry. Neither of your staff are signatories – the real trouble starts when your secretary runs off with your treasurer so nip any simmering romances within the management committee in the bud. A training day on gender discrimination should be enough to create division and enmity between the males and females in the project. Horace
My Co-ordinator stinks
I’m a Burned-Out
Smoking Social Outcast Dear Nick, |