Given we’re in a new year, we thought we’d start off 2018 with a chuckle, so we asked Horace for a few jokes.
When the bosses over at Changing Ireland ask for jokes, you can bet I’ll deliver. When I was a kid, people used to laugh at me when I said I’d be telling gags in print one day. Well, no one’s laughing now! [Sorry about the ratio of GOLs to LOLs (groans to laughs) here. Horace’s sense of humour is questionable at best. – Ed.]
I also decided to put my new year’s resolutions down on paper too. That way, the words will be around way longer than the actual resolutions.
Have a great 2018, folks!
Why did the community development worker fling the clock out the window?
She was fed up typing reports and wanted to see time fly.
What did the traffic light say to the Family Resource Centre psychotherapist?
“Relax, I’m changing!”
How many community workers does it take to change a light bulb?
Probably just one, but it could take six months as they’d have to consult with the community first, and involve them in the decision-making process, and the community might not want it changed anyway.
By the way
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but they’d listen patiently while the light bulb changes itself.
Canoe please stop knocking!
The manager of an international, not-for-profit organisation found a magic lamp. She gave the lamp a rub and a genie appeared to offer her one wish.
The development director said, “I wish for €1m to support my community”.
“Done!” said the genie. “Go to your office tomorrow and it’ll be there.”
Next day, outside the door to her office, she found boxes containing three million binder clips.
“What the hell?!” she said to the genie. “I asked for €1m!”
“Yes,” said the genie, “but you didn’t specify it couldn’t be a payment-in-kind.”
Dog-owning resident to community worker: “I lost my dog. Can you help?”
Community worker: “I know! I can put a notice on our Facebook page.”
Dog owner: “Don’t be silly. He can’t read.”
After it was all over, why was Santa’s little helper shy to talk about his contribution?
Because he had low elf esteem.
New year’s resolutions
- I resolve to give up some of my superstitious beliefs.
- I will keep doing the Lotto. You never know your luck.
- I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
- I will work with neglected children – my own.
- I will stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.
- I will watch less TV in standard definition. (Guess who got a new telly in the sales.)
- I will no longer waste my time reliving the past. Instead, I resolve to spend it worrying about the future.
- I will become vegan for day before inevitably realising it was a missed steak.